Weight, Food and my Thoughts

Over the past 35 years, there has not been one single day when I have not thought about food.  Not one single day when I have not obsessed about what I ate, what I shouldn't have eaten, or what I would like to eat. I have literally spent more than half of my life fixated on food. Crazy right?  

At the end of each day, I go over in my mind what I had eaten that day.  Often I would judge a day as being "good" because I was able to follow the unrealistic goals I set for myself.  But years of unhealthy and restricted eating means that I rarely view any day as a "good" food day.  And yes, it is as tiring and soul crushing as it sounds.  So much energy wasted and so much time spent on negative thoughts. I'm almost 59 years old and I often forget this. This body, as the kids say "It is what it is".

I have always been restricted and picky about what I eat. I haven't eaten meat, poultry or really any kind of fish for almost 40 years.  I don't eat fast food of any kind and I do not eat any franchise food that is 'assembled' and not actually prepared in a restaurant kitchen. I also eat very little fried, processed or packaged food*.  

So, no fast food or heavily processed food, this all sounds great right? Yup, my blood pressure, my heart rate and my blood work are all fabulous.  However, just because I don't eat the 'bad for you foods', it doesn't mean that I eat the 'good for you foods'.  Because of the restrictions I have placed, I have spent almost my whole life not eating enough protein or getting enough calcium. And my body reflects this. 

My body has as much muscle tone as a couch pillow.  And I am not talking about those all-firm-looking-pretty-on-your couch-just-for-show pillows.  Nope, I am talking about the pillows that are in the TV room.  The ones that are all squishy and comfortable. Yup, put overalls on them and that's basically me, Janet Alden all squishy and cellulitiey.  

Ahhh cellulite. My legs are full of cellulite so I no longer wear shorts.  And there is no way to get rid of cellulite - I've tried.  I've tried lotions, pills and whatever else QVC sells. Still got cellulite.  I've looked all over the world wide interweb thingy, and it has been determined that once you have cellulite, it's yours for life. Even when I weighed less than 100 lbs, I had cellulite on my legs. So, I have cellulite and I am going to die with cellulite. It is what it is. 

The newest treat is that my arms are starting to get cellulite too. Isn't that just grand?  Yup, just grand. But y'all, I live in South Carolina where it is warm for most of the year and I'm not going to wear long sleeves all the time. But I will say this, if I am feeling particularly bold and sassy, I wear sleeveless shirts. But shorts? Nope, I ain't ever going to feel that bold and sassy.

Sure, it would be easy to blame society, the media and the fashion industry for my distorted thoughts on food and weight, but I won't. It's all on me. These thoughts are in my head and I own them.  I have the ability to keep them or throw them out. This second half of my life is all about throwing them out.  While I am still self-conscious about some parts of my body, I am also embracing the other parts. 

My phone has been sending me pictures from 7 years ago.  Always fun right?  Except when they aren't. These pictures were taken 7 years ago when I weighed 95 lbs. That was an all-time low for me and it is painful for me to see these reminders. It used to be that I would look at those pictures and beat myself up for what I no longer was. Isn't that sad? But it is the truth. But it is not my truth anymore. 

More than half of my life spent thinking about food and my weight. What a waste of a life. I've accomplished much in my life but I still have a lot more that I want to accomplish and do. And I am determined to not spend the second half of my life obsessing or wasting energy, or time, focused on food or my weight. 

* "Salt, Sugar and Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us" and "Hooked: Food, Free Will and How the Food Giants Exploit our Addictions" both by Michael Moss are excellent books that talk about how the processed food manufacturers are making us fat, obese and unhealthy.  I highly recommend both of these books!