"Belly Rubs and Life"

We spent almost 3 and a half hours at the Emergency Vet with Missy yesterday.  She woke up very lethargic and would sometimes cry out with little yelps for no apparent reason.  As the day went on, her cries became more frequent and I knew that she was in some sort of pain and I was a wreck. 

It's Sunday and I knew that my Vet would be able to get me in quickly, but I had to wait until they opened on Monday morning.  I waited until a little after noon and called the three Emergency Vets in our area.  All three told me that "They were already at capacity" which meant that they were not accepting any more cases. 

Two hours later, Missy is worse and I called the Emergency Vet closest to us again.  They said that they can take Missy but it would be at least a two or three hour wait.  I think this was said to be a deterrent, but it didn't deter me.  Bill and I got Missy into the car and we were off.  At this point, Missy was very anxious and crying out sharply.  And I'm crying.  I knew it was irrational at this point, but I was imagining that we were not going to be coming home with her.  Bill is an incredibly strong man and he does a good job at soothing me, but I couldn't seem to stop my thoughts from going to the worst case scenario. 

When we got to the office, and after I checked in, the Triage Nurse came out to get Missy.  They were going to run tests and then get her calm and settled down.  This began our wait.  We had to wait in the parking lot, and we did, along with about a dozen other people at this Emergency Vet on a Sunday afternoon.  

A large part of why I was so upset was because I just felt so helpless.  I just knew that there was something wrong with her and not being able to help her tore me up.  In the car I began to pray "Your will be done".  Over and over "Your will be done".

I prayed for wisdom and compassion on all those kind people working inside that building. I prayed for peace for Missy, I didn't want her in pain and I didn't want her to be scared.  I prayed for strength for the other people who had pets inside this Emergency Vet building.  As I prayed, I felt myself calming down. I knew that there was nothing more that Bill and I can do physically and that she is now in the hands of people who can take care of her.  

"Your will be done" is what I repeat to myself often. It reminds me that while I have no say or sway in any outcome, it reassures me that I can handle every thing that I am faced with.  It most likely won't be easy and it will never, ever be my time frame or will, but I can handle it.  While I was created to be a deeply feeling and nurturing person, I was also created to be a strong and resilient one.  

I thought about when we had to put our first dog Ginger down - we had been in SC only four months at that point.  It was almost the same scenario, Ginger woke up lethargic and whelping out in pain.  She ended up having advanced cancer and there was nothing the Vets could do. We were with her when she was put down and that was one of the hardest and most heart wrenching experiences I have ever been through.  I told Bill that I couldn't do it again.  I could never own another pet because this, the good-bye's, are so incredibly painful. 

But Bill knew.  He knew me better than I knew me.  I didn't know this, but he had been looking at the shelter websites in our area.  One morning, about 8 months later, he saw Missy on the Greenville Humane Society page.  I was there when they opened their doors that morning and Missy joined our family.  

As the name of my blog states: Missy makes me laugh.  Every single day.  Repeatedly.  This little dog has so much personality and is so fiercely independent and unique.  And I think this is why, this is why I, we, opened our home and heart to another dog.  This is why while the pain of good-byes can be gut wrenching, it is the moments, the day-to-day joy in the moments, that do make it so worth it. I can't, and I shouldn't, spend my life trying to avoid the pain at the risk of missing the joy. 

After three hours, the vet tech called us and told us that they found that Missy had injured her back again.  She was having muscle spasms which was causing the yelping and causing her the anxiety. We had gone through this about four years ago with her.  She was on Prednisone and that was a rough 6 weeks with her.  But she recovered and has had no other problems since then.  They had given her a shot to relax her immediately and gave us two different medications to relax her and keep her relaxed once we got her home.  I had Bill take the call from the Tech because I was just so sure that it was going to be news that I could not handle. When he hung up and told me, I just started crying again - happy, grateful and thankful tears.  

We got Missy, Bill put her in my lap and we drove home.  I rubbed her ears, and gently pet her back.  My little trooper.  My little crazy and funny dog seemed to inherit her back issues from her Mom and I apologized to her for that.  

I know that there will come a day when we will have to say good bye to Missy.  This little dog who so loves her multiple walks per day, primarily because, I believe, she knows that she will see someone who will rub her belly, will no longer be living a good quality of life.  There will come a time when it would be cruel and selfish to have her suffer and not be able to meet her quota of belly rubs per day, those things that bring her such joy.  

I will have to say goodbye to people I love, there is no getting away from or denying that.  I can live my life in dread of this or I can put my faith in the Lord who has given me the strength to know that there is nothing that I can not handle.  I can not live my life avoiding joy because I want to avoid pain. 

Missy is home sleeping very soundly and we won't be going out on any walks for a while until she completely heals.  But every so often, I go in to check on her and give her a belly rub.  I know she has a quota to keep.